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Feb. 25th, 2015 12:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catling42How do you keep on living? I mean, it sounds easy, you just keep not dying. But how do you keep on living with this fucking disease of depression that creeps into everything you've ever loved about yourself and tears it to shreds?
How do you keep going when your eyes feel dull and you don't want to do anything anymore, not even sleep? Sleep is fitful and at the end you have to wake back up and deal with the world again. You don't even want to cry any more, except you keep doing that when you least expect it. You haven't really eaten, but you still feel like throwing up.
You can almost remember sometimes that something could be beautiful--you stop and look and your breath catches for a moment--and then the weight inside pulls you back down into the hollowness, back under the water you've been treading for so long and you're so, so tired.
How do you run a business when you can't even bear to think about tomorrow, when the hours stretch out to unbearable lengths, the clock ticking so slowly that you're sure it's stopped? When keeping commitments feels like pulling teeth?
How the heck do you beat this damn disease? Where is the faith that it will get better with the spectre of disease always hanging over you? How do you reach out of yourself and find help when you're drowning in a hole inside and the shore is too steep to scramble back out of this time?
How do you keep going when your eyes feel dull and you don't want to do anything anymore, not even sleep? Sleep is fitful and at the end you have to wake back up and deal with the world again. You don't even want to cry any more, except you keep doing that when you least expect it. You haven't really eaten, but you still feel like throwing up.
You can almost remember sometimes that something could be beautiful--you stop and look and your breath catches for a moment--and then the weight inside pulls you back down into the hollowness, back under the water you've been treading for so long and you're so, so tired.
How do you run a business when you can't even bear to think about tomorrow, when the hours stretch out to unbearable lengths, the clock ticking so slowly that you're sure it's stopped? When keeping commitments feels like pulling teeth?
How the heck do you beat this damn disease? Where is the faith that it will get better with the spectre of disease always hanging over you? How do you reach out of yourself and find help when you're drowning in a hole inside and the shore is too steep to scramble back out of this time?
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Date: 2015-02-25 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-25 05:52 pm (UTC)I just made a call and scheduled a consult with a therapist for early next week so *fingers crossed*
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Date: 2015-03-02 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-25 06:57 pm (UTC)I'd be happy to listen any time you need to talk about this, for what it's worth.
::hugs::
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Date: 2015-02-26 01:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-02-26 07:36 pm (UTC)If it would help to go walk out in the sunlight, I'm not far away, and I'd be up for morning or afternoon walks or tea/coffee. In my experience, sometimes it's useful to have some kind of external reason not to be a hermit, so let me know if that'd be good for you.
My cooking night at the co-op is Monday. If you ever want to come over for that, you're welcome to drop by. Just give me a heads-up about any food restrictions other than meat or mushroom avoidance.
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Date: 2015-02-26 08:05 pm (UTC)This is not permanent.
Maybe you can remember things not always being this terrible.
Maybe you can trust that things will not always be this terrible, or will not always seem this terrible.
I should know better than to try arguing with the voice at the bottom of a well, from which vantage point only the walls and the inaccessible sky are visible, but one way of holding on is adamantly saying "This is not always; this is not everything" and trying to believe in a non-horrifying world you can't currently see.
But it's not your fault if you can't believe in those all the time.
huuuuuuuuuuuuuugs
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 02:40 am (UTC)I hope that you find something that also makes it a little more bearable for you. Just a little traction, that can make all the difference.