1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
Dragon boating. Hired movers. Worked with heat-moldable plastics and foam to make costume armor. Moved a fishtank to a new apartment. Built an aquarium stand. Made a video (of ridiculous). LICKED AN ICE CREAM CONE (got a frenectomy so now I can stick out my tongue).

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really do resolutions this past year. There was just a lot going on. I did start using HabitRPG/Habitica, though, so I've been working on actually eating lunch and getting regular on doing any basic self and pet care. I have some goals in mind for the new year... they're not super organized yet, but let's try:
- exercise to get strong enough to kick ass/keep up once the dragon boating season starts, also to keep my back from being stupid and to have better body mechanics at work
- get back to meal planning
- make enough things to be in at least one craft fair in 2016
- figure out the next steps for my career
- take time for myself to actually relax and rejuvenate AND NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR IT
- make time to connect with friends, whether in person, chat, skype, or letter
- develop a meditation/mindfulness practice --- I'm starting with a Moments jar, where I write down lovely moments and read them at the end of the year. I have one from NYE in mind.

To Resolution Revolution it up, my word is selfcare.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No? I have so many pregnant friends right now oh god I'm dying of baby rabies. Must make so many tiny socks.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

5. Did anyone close to you get married?
Ben and Joe! Got a couple weddings coming up in 2016, too!

6. What countries did you visit?
Nada. It's been a while since I've been able to do much of any travel. We went to Chicago for Ben and Joe's wedding and to see Erica and Sam and the kids in November, though.

7. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
I'm getting sick of saying this: Financial stability. Better health. Better time management.

8. What events/dates from 2015 will be forever etched in your memory?
My 10 year college reunion
breaking the snow record in Boston
Meeting Jessie? Deciding to be friends with that group, at least.
The visit to Chicago, particularly time spent with the Teslas and their kids
Surprising Mom for her 60th bday

9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Honestly? Not dying. It was a rough year. But setting up all the things to get care and such is definitely an achievement. Purging/decluttering a lot of shit before moving was also a pretty good achievement.

10. What was your biggest failure?
I feel like my biggest failure was missing so much work in the fall from illness and depression, but I also feel like that's a symptom.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Got stitches (and a tetanus shot) for a cut in my hand after catching a knife that fell. That was fun to work with. I've had minor back tweakiness and have had to have a series of three cortisone shots in my right foot for a Morton's neuroma. (The second doc I saw for my foot was amazing and explained why I'm getting this pain instead of just giving me a shot... that was super recently, so I'm gonna get some orthotics and new shoes and hope it doesn't come back this time.) I had a MAJOR depression flare when trying to change brainmeds, and basically lost most of October and all of November to feeling like shit. Threw out my back and had to go to the ER in the last week of December, just to end on a strong note.

12. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my laptop.

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This still stands: Will's. Over and over and over again. He's just really fucking great, folks. Also Aria has been awesome.

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My ex-landlord was frustrating up through the very end. One of my roommates, at times. A client (who has since been fired). The TrashMan who lives in the dark parts of my brain. Whoever failed at making Cheerios actually gluten free. Trump + his supporters. The entire system that has cops killing black folks and getting away with it.

15. Where did most of your money go?
Moving and rent and paying off my student loans

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Gluten-free Cheerios! Making costume armor! Decorating for my Halloween party! Making spooky food! Making new friends!

17. What song will always remind you of 2015?
The entire Original Cast Recording of Hamilton

18. Compared to this time last year are you:
i. happier or sadder? Tough one. Sadder most recently, so it sticks more.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, but also stronger.
iii. richer or poorer? Out of debt, so that's pretty great. Feeling the hit from not getting paid in October, though.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Well, while I still didn't get my boat in the water, I did get in a boat in water, so I'm gonna call that half achieved. Biking. Making stuff on the regular. Getting massage. Going outside. Going camping.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Depression. Brain weasels. Dealing with moving apartments crap.

21. How did you spend Christmas? What was the best gift this Christmas?
I spent Christmas at my parents', as usual. I didn't get any particularly exciting gifts from family, because I knew what I was getting: the all-my-colors octopus duvet cover, and the tool set that I specifically asked for. For the record, I am completely in love with the duvet cover, and it changes my entire room for the better. Mom's evil cat, Molly, finally let me pet her, which is pretty much a Christmas miracle.

22. Did you fall in love in 2015?
I fell in a whole lotta like in ways that became problematic because of situational crap.
Still loving on Will.

23. How many one-night stands?
I'm changing this question because its stupid. To "How many people did you kiss?"
The answer, I believe, is three.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Still watching S.H.I.E.L.D. Didn't watch much TV this year, though. I'm way behind on Capaldi's Doctor Who. I started Jessica Jones, and I'm planning on watching Daredevil and Leverage, though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word. I need to find a new question for this one.

26. What was the best book you read?
Oooh. I really enjoyed Rysa Walker's Chronos Files (yay kindle!), and I'm enjoying Marissa Meyer's Lunar Chronicles audiobooks.

27. What was your greatest (musical?) discovery?
HAMILTON. Also Mouths of Babes

28. What did you want (to do) and get?
Got a reliable oven, people to go out and paddle on the water with (dragon boat team), new friends. A trip to Chicago. The aforementioned Christmas gifts.

29 What did you want and not get?
Still no dancing, still no century ride. Still no second sweetie. A bigger bedroom.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Inside Out. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was pretty cool, too.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32. I was moving so soon after that so I didn't have a party. Went to see Lindsey Stirling play in Boston. Will got me an ice cream cake that I could actually eat. And Carolyn brought me cupcakes that I could actually eat. So that was pretty rad.

32. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Not having that horrible bout of depression. Actual gluten-free cheerios. Dating stuff working out differently.

33. How would you describe your fashion concept in 2015?
Heading away from practical-femme towards dapper/comfy

34. What kept you sane?
Will. Kitties. Friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't think I actually have an answer to this question right now.

36. What sociopolitical issue stirred you the most?
feminism.
gun violence
police brutality
the upcoming presidential election and its ensuing shitshow

37. What is one thing you would go back and re-do if you could?
Wouldn't have messed with my meds. (And during that depression, I would've said a bunch of other things, too.)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I'm going to angle this slightly, but deciding to be friends with Aria has made my life a lot more awesome.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
Adulting is hard, yo. But satisfying when it works. Will really has my back. I have quality humans in my life.




(Aaaand, previous years' for comparison..... the tag goes back to 2004)

I might need someone to tell me going back to school is not practical.

How do you keep on living? I mean, it sounds easy, you just keep not dying. But how do you keep on living with this fucking disease of depression that creeps into everything you've ever loved about yourself and tears it to shreds?

How do you keep going when your eyes feel dull and you don't want to do anything anymore, not even sleep? Sleep is fitful and at the end you have to wake back up and deal with the world again. You don't even want to cry any more, except you keep doing that when you least expect it. You haven't really eaten, but you still feel like throwing up.

You can almost remember sometimes that something could be beautiful--you stop and look and your breath catches for a moment--and then the weight inside pulls you back down into the hollowness, back under the water you've been treading for so long and you're so, so tired.

How do you run a business when you can't even bear to think about tomorrow, when the hours stretch out to unbearable lengths, the clock ticking so slowly that you're sure it's stopped? When keeping commitments feels like pulling teeth?

How the heck do you beat this damn disease? Where is the faith that it will get better with the spectre of disease always hanging over you? How do you reach out of yourself and find help when you're drowning in a hole inside and the shore is too steep to scramble back out of this time?

…and I have time to do these things when I'm home sick with the Death Flu. More on that later.

( Now, 2012 in review. )
(Aaaand, previous years' for comparison..... the tag goes back to 2004.)

What is a goal, anyway? Does it have to be something concrete? Because I’d say my number one goal is to learn how to be okay -- how to be happy and self-contained. Happy in a self-contained way? Not that I’m denying my exuberance in any way, but that I shouldn’t need anyone or anything else to be able to be happy. I know goals are supposed to be easier to achieve with concrete steps and the like, but we’ll get there.

I am, right now, what I’ve just decided to call “in-betweening.” I’m in between homes (which sounds much, much more comfortable than the “homeless” I’ve been using in my panic for the last few weeks), staying in a friend’s house while I apartment-hunt with my new soon-to-be roommate in a city an hour away. I’m in between jobs, finishing up one while I interview for another. In-betweening has always been something very, VERY uncomfortable for me -- I am most comfortable and least anxious with my stuff around and a plan in place, and here I am with no idea where I’m living or working, all my stuff in storage save a suitcase, my laptop, best-sleeping pillows, and probably too many books. So you can just imagine, these last few months coming up to my in-betweening time, trying to make all the pieces of the living situation and workplace puzzle fit together and, how I’ve been thinking of it until now, failing miserablly, has been incredibly stressful. We’re talking Cat-the-anxiety-case, freaking-out-and-crying stressful.

At the same time, I managed to take an absolutely wonderful week-long trip by myself to England, to see some dear friends and ex-housemates get married, and to get to experience the country. With this, everything fell into place -- my dad had frequent flier miles I could use, for the cost of the taxes and fees (flying out of Heathrow is exorbitant!). My friend who lives in London this year happily offered to let me crash in his flat. And housing in Cambridge for the wedding was taken care of by the bride’s family. So off I went, got my passport renewed with my changed (four years ago!) first name, booked plane tickets and left the country with two weeks left before I was out of the apartment. And it was completely amazing.

The wedding was small and beautiful, and I knew no one but the couple and some of the bride’s family. The accommodations and seating done in such a way that guests just had to talk to a variety of people from different parts of the bride and groom’s lives and make friends from all over. My time was largely unscheduled -- I was free to roam Cambridge, and then London, seeing what interested me and spending time with friends when they were available if I felt like it. I wandered. A lot. I talked to strangers, played pick-up ping pong in a park along the South Embankment of the Thames, made friends with a five-year-old girl on the Tube (we counted trains out the window). I saw a couple museum-y things, but didn’t stress about fitting it all in. I forgot how much I enjoy travelling alone, especially when there’s someone friendly around to make a few plans with. I have learned, at least, how to Maintain A Holiday Attitude when I am travelling. I would like to learn how to do so in the rest of my life.

Anyway, I’m sitting here in my friend’s beautiful suburban back yard, looking up into the woods that abut parkland and listening to the (baby?) redtail hawks skree and not needing to drink a cider or eat ice cream, but enjoying my simple cup of tea and letting myself just be. And I decide to open up my Reeder on my phone and scroll through a few blogs I’ve been neglecting instead of just reading webcomics, and here I am, reading The Minimalists and No Help Here (you’re always just ahead of me, Sarah) and thinking that maybe in-betweening isn’t actually such a bad thing after all. It’s another two weeks to a month of living out of a suitcase. It’s probably best that I’m piggybacking off of travelling; living out of a suitcase is much more familiar and less threatening. And even though I can’t deal with getting rid of actual stuff anymore, since its all tightly packed into an overflowing storage unit I’m afraid to look at for fear of it exploding, maybe I can deal with getting rid of stuff in my head that holds me back. Maybe then I’ll be more ready to get rid of physical stuff once I can access it. Maybe I’ll have dissolved some excuses (but most of it is art supplies, who knows when I might need them! my style cycles every two-to-three years! I’ve been living with someone who has so much stuff I need to have something so my presence isn’t erased by his!). And to be fair, I did start getting rid of stuff before moving it all to the storage unit, and over the last few years, but those excuses are crap, and the possibility of moving into a large apartment also shouldn’t factor in.

So what do we have? Me, feeling really content, sitting in a lawn chair in the shade in a beautifully-manicured backyard and listening to hawks and cars go by and thinking that maybe life isn’t all that difficult, after all. And maybe it doesn’t matter if I don’t get THE job, because it probably doesn’t pay enough anyway, and there will be other awesome jobs. And will find a place to live, and I am surrounded by good people who want to help. And that is what’s actually important, isn’t it?

My new life goal: death by tigers.

I need to start taking better care of myself. I've been making a bunch of big changes to try and get my shit together, and I need to do the little ones, too. So, here we go with a new (hopefully frequent) feature.

Good things I've done for myself today:

-went for a run
-did my chores
-went to work?
-stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work, even though it was almost 10pm, so I have breakfast for tomorrow
-started researching local optometrists so I can get my overdue eye exam (now that I have health insurance…)

This morning is so quiet. Its the perfect temperature… no loud AC units, no fans on, no construction in the neighborhood or loud upstairs neighbors at this time, either. This is what I've needed, just being able to be quietly by myself. I've been so actively making new friends through work and running myself ragged that I really just haven't had time to myself when I actually wanted to be awake. Now I have a sniffle and a sore throat to show for all my running around and not sleeping, but also maybe some perspective.

Its taken me a while to realize this time around that I'm depressed and I need to do something about it. I've been conscientious about taking my meds, I've been trying to build exercise into my days, eating better and avoiding carbs and the blood sugar spikes that come with them, I even went tanning to try and jump-start my body into being upbeat. But what I actually needed to do was to admit to myself what is making me so unhappy in the first place. Now, some of those things are really pretty complicated and personal relationship-figuring sorts of things, but I also haven't wanted to admit that my job is making me miserable. Yes, I love doing massage. But my current workplace is not a healthy place. I can pretend, on days when I'm fairly busy with clients, that is all lovely and relaxing, but in truth it is a place of backstabbing and constant anxiety. And as someone with an anxiety disorder to begin with, worrying when I'm going to be taken into the office and yelled and sworn at for something that may or may not be even remotely true is not sitting well.

It has become clear. This job is simply not the solution I was looking for, and I kept holding it as the thing that would get me solvent. Quitting isn't giving up, it's moving on to a better situation. In reality, the spa has allowed me to get my feet wet. In the nearly four months I've been working there, I've built a strong repeat clientele (most of whom I will lose when I find a new job, but some I may give my last name so they can look me up) and proven to myself that yes, in fact, I do do a really good job. I am an awesome massage therapist. I have a ton still to learn, and this job kills my desire to learn and grow. All of my best hours are spent sitting around at work waiting for clients and not being allowed to do anything productive that doesn't relate to the spa (i.e. cleaning and laundry, and making sure to be seen on the cameras in the hallways often enough). I am an adult, and I need to work somewhere that treats me as an adult, respects my desire to work and excel at my work and doesn't feel the need to babysit me or spy on my every action. If I have a long stretch with no work and things are caught up, I should be allowed to go get coffee, to read a book, to use my down time constructively.

I'm also realizing things about how I work, and what my priorities in life actually are. I thought I wanted the security of all my work coming from one place that at first promised me benefits (though I changed my hours to be less unreasonable and then fell under the limit for actually getting those benefits), but now I'm beginning to once again see the potential in having a few different gigs on different set days. I mean, we'll see how it works out, but working as an independent contractor would give me a little more control over my schedule and my income than dealing with noncompetes and long hours of waiting.

So I guess I'm back at the point of applying for jobs. I must say, feeling so burnt out at my current workplace does not make me excited for going in this afternoon, and then long days for the next two days, especially feeling sniffly and sick with this cold that finally caught up to me. But in I will go, after lunch, and put on a good face and do good work for my clients. And then I will come home and write cover letters.