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This is me, being honest.
Oct. 7th, 2009 11:10 amMonday I cried and swore and threw things. Yesterday, I felt hopeful and free. I was going to heal, going to beat all this food stuff, going to make brilliant food masterpieces so I could still enjoy eating. Today, I am just tired. I want to hibernate, I want to go home, I want things to be normal. I don't know what most of that means. Normal for me is heniously sick. I want to be healthy. I don't want to wake up after going to bed early and sleeping 12 hours without moving still tired. I don't want mail and chores and laundry and crap to pile up again. But I have no energy to deal with it. And it was like that for so long, I can't trust days like yesterday, when I had the energy to get a ton done at work and smile while doing it, to walk both ways, to shop on my way home and carry my purchases the mile and giant hill home, to actually come.
I woke up hungry, but had no appetite for anything. It all tasted like sawdust. I don't want to be afraid of food. I came home yesterday to find the kitchen full of flour, a housemate in the midst of a baking spree. Where was I going to put down my groceries? Of course, it's completely fine for my housemates to bake what they want, eat food they can eat and all, but it still didn't feel good, and I don't know what to do with that. I want to hibernate. I don't want to explain my test results to A tonight, and tell him how no, I can't really eat any food we're used to right now, how hard its going to be to feed me for the next six months, how we can't really go out. Eating gluten free at his house is one thing. But on Monday, I wanted to tell him he could break up with me so he wouldn't have to deal with all this. But I don't really want that, at all.
I miss my family, but I don't know how I can go home. I can't even eat at friends' houses. Hell, I probably can't even eat at A's house, and I spend at least a third of my time there. I want to run away into someone else's life. Yesterday's energy and joy seem months away. I have so much to do....
I guess I'm going to go drag my exhausted self to the shower, finish this green tea chai, and hope I have enough energy to clean up after last night's dinner (I fell asleep before I cleaned up, oops) and go to work. I kind of just want to go back to bed, though.
I woke up hungry, but had no appetite for anything. It all tasted like sawdust. I don't want to be afraid of food. I came home yesterday to find the kitchen full of flour, a housemate in the midst of a baking spree. Where was I going to put down my groceries? Of course, it's completely fine for my housemates to bake what they want, eat food they can eat and all, but it still didn't feel good, and I don't know what to do with that. I want to hibernate. I don't want to explain my test results to A tonight, and tell him how no, I can't really eat any food we're used to right now, how hard its going to be to feed me for the next six months, how we can't really go out. Eating gluten free at his house is one thing. But on Monday, I wanted to tell him he could break up with me so he wouldn't have to deal with all this. But I don't really want that, at all.
I miss my family, but I don't know how I can go home. I can't even eat at friends' houses. Hell, I probably can't even eat at A's house, and I spend at least a third of my time there. I want to run away into someone else's life. Yesterday's energy and joy seem months away. I have so much to do....
I guess I'm going to go drag my exhausted self to the shower, finish this green tea chai, and hope I have enough energy to clean up after last night's dinner (I fell asleep before I cleaned up, oops) and go to work. I kind of just want to go back to bed, though.
