catling42: ([firefly] river)
[personal profile] catling42
How do you keep on living? I mean, it sounds easy, you just keep not dying. But how do you keep on living with this fucking disease of depression that creeps into everything you've ever loved about yourself and tears it to shreds?

How do you keep going when your eyes feel dull and you don't want to do anything anymore, not even sleep? Sleep is fitful and at the end you have to wake back up and deal with the world again. You don't even want to cry any more, except you keep doing that when you least expect it. You haven't really eaten, but you still feel like throwing up.

You can almost remember sometimes that something could be beautiful--you stop and look and your breath catches for a moment--and then the weight inside pulls you back down into the hollowness, back under the water you've been treading for so long and you're so, so tired.

How do you run a business when you can't even bear to think about tomorrow, when the hours stretch out to unbearable lengths, the clock ticking so slowly that you're sure it's stopped? When keeping commitments feels like pulling teeth?

How the heck do you beat this damn disease? Where is the faith that it will get better with the spectre of disease always hanging over you? How do you reach out of yourself and find help when you're drowning in a hole inside and the shore is too steep to scramble back out of this time?
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catling42

January 2016

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